December, 2011

What you see is what you get.  In it’s simplest terms, I’m a human being who has been damaged and done a lot of damage in life and I’m in a process of recovery.  I think most people are, whether they admit it or not.  At least the part about having been damaged and having caused damage to others.  This blog is intended to be my journal as I continue on my journey of recovery, starting with Step 1 – admitting powerlessness over my addictions & compulsions or,  as they say in the Celebrate Recovery program, my hurts, hang-ups, and habits.  It’s also intended to, hopefully, be part of an ongoing 12 Step – Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.  Sharing my experience, strength, and hope in this forum will hopefully bring a message of hope to others who suffer and we can journey together.

June 2012

When I started this blog, mid-December 2011, it was part of a New Year’s Resolution and promise to my self that I would “work the steps” and use this space as a focused journal for spiritual and personal reflection.  There has been some of that and, I’m sure at some point in the future there will be more of it.  Since then, however, it has become something more organic and less planned.  Once I realized I was straying from the stated intention and purpose, I kind of started with the internal self-flagellation and criticism about not following through and failure to be a good twelve stepper or God centered person.  Now, I’m coming to understand that much of the process of healing and recovery and being a child of God, means accepting myself for who I am and where I’m at and not treating myself worse than I would treat any other being.  If I’m to heal and grow, then the things that want to be written are the parts of me that need to be listened to, acknowledged and accepted without reserve.

January 30,  2013

I am still a Human in Recovery, I doubt that will ever change. Currently the depression and fibromyalgia symptoms are barely being managed in some ways – physiologically at least due to lack of access to medical care. Parenting my now four year old daughter is still very challenging, especially since I stopped working on June 1, 2012, nearly eight months ago. It often seems inside my thoughts and emotions that I haven’t progressed much. The condition of my home and my physical form show little improvement.

On the other hand, progress is being made.

In the beginning, this blog was my lifeline, my diary, my emotional dumping ground. It was an ideal and a last ditch tool of desperation for me to deal with the depth of despair I was experiencing over every aspect of my life and relationships falling apart at the seams. I was primarily in my own mind and isolated in all areas. Then, as I began writing more consistently and exploring what else and who else was out her in the digital frontier of blogging (I know I came late to the party, but it was a new frontier for me) I began making virtual connections and developing some relationships with other bloggers. Some of the social isolation started easing away and I began encountering the acceptance, encouragement, and support of other people online in unconditional ways. I had been fearful that my writing and the subjects I was writing about would be seen as too whiny, self-involved, and negative. I expected negative feedback and criticism. Instead I began to experience camaraderie – something I had not experienced since my early 20’s.

As time went on, I opened myself up to those who knew me in person. This was scary and did have it’s problems. For a while difficult relationships became more strained, some still are. Yet, two key relationships have drastically improved, one is stabilized into a holding pattern, and I am becoming more present and engaged with my pre-schooler. I’m reopening myself up to people who have known me, but whom I closed myself off from. Renewing, one baby step at a time, former friendships and reestablishing support systems.

My writing isn’t as consumed with the conflict, fear, and chaos of daily living. I’m now pursing things that interest me and that I am passionate about doing in service to others and the world at large. I’m doing Author Interviews with a twist. Promoting newly published books, but also engaging them on more personal levels about issues of healing and recovery, as well as other aspects of their own personal and character development through the writing and publishing process. I’m becoming a blogtivist™ – I’ve signed on to participate in Bloggers for Peace and Blog for Mental Health 2013. I’m working with a friend to help her in her process to get ready to release a Christmas Album this year. I’ve been asked to contribute articles to a new e-zine, and I have been included as a contributor to Black Box Warnings and included on the blogroll because the administrator believes what I am doing on this blog is beneficial to others. He asked me to send him a sentence or two about my blog to provide info for the blogroll. Here’s what I came up with:

One woman’s journey of acceptance, growth, healing, and recovery. Topics include: Depression, Codependency, Fibromyalgia, Parenting, and so much more.

December 27, 2013

 

2013 has been filled with a lot of inner growth and change for me. I’ve grown in self-realization and understanding about the things about me which have kept me stuck spinning around like a tornado, creating my own destruction and contributing to upheaval and chaos in the lives of those I love.

I’ve been transforming myself, from the inside, much like what happens inside the cocoon before the moth emerges.

I’m less narcissistic in thought and emotion – more focused on intentional living and authentic action instead of being emotionally and psychologically reactive. I’m gaining emotional and mental clarity and strength.

I’m becoming more engaged and interactive IRL:

• I’m on the Parent Policy Council for my daughter’s Head Start Program. This year I am the Chairperson.
• I’m participating on the Steering Committee for the Children’s Ministry within my church family.
• I’ve connected with a couple of new people and followed through on friendship building activities.

I’m breaking out of the closed system of toxicity, anger, depression, and conflict that Keith and I have been burying ourselves and each other in for almost two decades. As a result, I’m becoming more connected, engaged, and interactive with people I’ve wanted to be in relationship with all along the way.

I’m on the journey.