I haven’t really considered that just journalling my day to day experiences, thoughts, feelings, etc. is part of a 4th step inventory process, but I think it is, at least for me.
Since starting this blog and restarting my recovery journey, I’ve been on a bit of an emotional and spiritual roller coaster. Experiencing some really good “high” days and recently, during the few days leading up to Christmas, some really dark “low” days. During the low days, I didn’t blog, but I did write out what was happening, in my relationship with one very important family member, and the other members of our immediate family as well.
I actually listened and heard what this person had to say to me about how my current actions had triggered and contributed to feelings of woundedness and rejection. Even though I absolutely love this person with all of my being, my actions were sending a completely different message. It was very difficult and painful to hear this. It grieved my heart to see and hear the pain this loved one was experiencing as a result of me practicing my “addiction” – I don’t even know how to define it other than my self-involved, disassociation from everyone in my world because I was tired of being in pain.
So, we grieved, I grieved. I am being comforted in the knowledge that my relationship with this person is being strengthened by my recovery process and being willing and able to listen to hard truths about me and my actions without getting defensive and wallowing in self-pity. We have a long ways to go, but it’s progress.
That last verse gets to me, “For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption;” It pretty much describes where my life has been for the majority of my adult existence. Corruption of flesh. Sounds rather sickening, right?
Pain, disease, fatigue, fat all from binge eating, eating compulsively, and eating toxic food for toxic reasons. I have eaten because I was mad, sad, and just to be bad. I have eaten because the food was there. I have eaten because it was expected of me. I have eaten because other people were eating. I’ve eaten because I wanted to taste that special taste and experience that special feeling I had gotten from tasting it before. I’ve put food in my mouth to keep from saying something that would probably result in conflict. I’ve eaten so it wouldn’t go to waste. What a waste!
Whatever the reasons for eating, it was not generally because I was hungry and needed to nourish my body – even though there were times I convinced myself that it was. I’ve experienced true, physical hunger infrequently, generally because I was always putting something in my mouth and stomach. I was eating to avoid dealing with the things inside myself that need to be faced.
Now that I’m beginning my recovery from compulsive eating and using food to avoid dealing with my emotions and issues is no longer an option, it’s time to peel away the layers and trust that God is carrying me through this and will grow me and strengthen me as I go through this process. As long as I continue to turn to him and not to food.