resentments

Day 2 Blah blah blah

Another day of nothing of import to write about. I have a sick kiddo at home. I’m stressed about family issues that aren’t my problem, I have no control over, and can do nothing about. My thoughts are scattered. The fatigue levels are still bad…barely functioned yesterday.

I rescheduled the meeting with the employment specialist…again and missed my mental health socialization’s group potluck.

I did make it to my first acupuncture appointment in probably eight or nine years. Barely. For some reason I hadn’t set my notifications correctly and didn’t get out of bed until 8:25 and the appointment was for 9:00. I made it by 8:43. It turned out that all systems were down and they didn’t get me in until 20 minutes past appointment time.

I’ve canceled one appointment and rescheduled another that were still on today’s calendar. There’s one thing left and I do need to attend that one. So, I’ll figure that out. Probably have her hang out at home and have the neighbor be available to her.

The worry and stress I’m feeling about the family situation has triggered the binge eating…and I haven’t been fighting it. I’m not usually a sweets person, but, glazed old fashioned donuts aren’t safe.

I’m partly future tripping about what choices my family members will take in reaction to dealing with their toxic circumstances. The fear of losing relationship with these very important people because of someone else’s toxicity has me in near tears when I think about it. It also raises some pretty ugly thoughts about this other person. I don’t like being in either a sad/fearful state or in a bitter/angry state. So, I’m defaulting to the numbness of food and fatigue.

It’s hard on the creative process.

It’s frustrating when you’re chugging along, writing effortlessly (mostly) then, suddenly, someone pulls the switch, redirecting your path, and you wind up in the empty container yard.

What to do?

Yesterday was a brain dump that came out relatively acceptable in form and function. Today is a meandering mishmash of whiny angst. Let’s see if I can do something better for tomorrow.

Maybe I can collaborate with someone else and do an interview. I know it’s short notice, but, maybe something will gel.

How are you doing and how do you handle roadblocks in your creative process?

The journey of self-care

“For to see the end from the beginning is a sign that it’s already finished. It’s just a matter of walking it out to completion.“
Dorothy E. Young

I read this on another Tiny Pepper’s NanoPoblano 2018 blog the other day.

It struck me with its profundity. It seemed quite biblical.

  • I can’t see the end of this journey I’m on. I see the transformation pictures of other women who started out my weight and judgy, cynical, self-defeating thoughts start popping in my brain like popcorn. Thoughts like:
      • How skinny is skinny enough?!?
      I could never get THAT small.
      That’s just too thin.

    The fact of the matter is that it doesn’t matter what their size is and it’s not mandated that I get that small and have my body look like theirs. Their journey is different than mine. Their whys are probably different than mine. They are different from me. We are all unique and special in our own way. So are our journeys.

    We do have something in common, though, other than our need/desire to lose weight.

    Learning how to care for ourselves well is key to making it through to the end of this stage of our life’s journey AND not having to go through this stage again.

    Ultimately, many self-care habits and routines are going to vary as much as those of us on this journey do. However, the basics are all the same:

    • Nutrition
    • Activity
    • Rest
    • Relaxation
    • Passionate purpose

    There are some internal prerequisites to achieve those basics. The first of which is deciding that you have value, that your life matters, and your needs are as important as anyone else’s needs.

    That belief in one’s own value leads to the second prerequisite: boundaries. What are those?

    • The ability to say, “No,” to unreasonable demands and requests, is a key boundary.
    • The ability to decide how to deal with and whether to take the criticisms, snide & snarky remarks, manipulation, and verbal abusiveness, all of which are so prevalent in our lives.
    • The ability to stand up for one’s self and assert the right to exist, breathe, and occupy the space you’re in, unapologetically.

    These are the foundation of this journey of healing, recovery, and growth we’re all on. Once those things are in place, as much is possible, then, self-care is possible. Once caring for and about oneself is primary, then, belief in our own abilities comes next and we become unstoppable…even if we can’t see the end from the beginning, at first.

    This is the 4th post for

    Click on image to find other NanoPoblano bloggers.

    Writing Prompt: Photo Challenge & Word of the week.

    Packing It In

    We’ve lived like this
    for far too long.
    We no longer kiss.
    With you, I’m always wrong.

    You have too much anger,
    I’m too sad.
    We’ve lost our anchor.
    Together, we’re bad.

    This negativity can’t last.
    I want you as friend, not foe.
    I think our time is past.
    It’s time to let go.

    What’s next will be hard.
    It will be rough.
    We’ve both been scarred,
    but, we’re tough.

    I know you see what I see.
    There’s nothing left to say.
    This is what needs to be.
    We must go our own way.

    Word of the week: packing

    The tyranny of “nice”

    I like to think of myself as a “nice” person.  Many of us do, I’ve noticed.  I think it is especially true for women who were born in the “boomer” generation and before.  It’s something I cared about as a little kid, not so much as a teenager and younger adult in my 20’s and even into my 30’s.  Now I’m in my 40’s and “nice” is back on my radar.

    Maybe it’s because of Luna.  Teaching a three year old how to interact well with others can be quite a challenge, especially if you are having trouble interacting well with others too.  So, the phrase, “That’s not nice,” seems to have been coming to the surface a lot more.

    I’m coming to believe that “nice” is the ultimate in passive aggressiveness.

    How many of us grew up with the phrase, “If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.”? If that’s not an instruction on how to be passive aggressive, I don’t know what is.

    “How do I look?” asks the socially insecure person about to go out and risk something in an uncomfortable setting.  The person being asked doesn’t see or understand the concern, or perhaps doesn’t care and is focused on something else entirely.  So, instead of actually taking a moment to truly offer reassurance and comfort, says, “Oh, you look nice.”  Passive, non-committal, no effort, no fuss, no muss.  Or, maybe the person being asked has an unspoken resentment with the questioner and says something like, “That’s nice, but don’t you think you should . . .?” Passive and aggressive. Let’s undermine someone who is already feeling insecure by making them question themselves and their choices. Way to go.

    Of course, there’s also the “nice” person who just doesn’t know how to constructively express an opinion that is different from another who genuinely thinks there is something that should be changed in order to improve the appearance and perhaps reduce the risk that the questioner is taking.  However, this nice person doesn’t want to risk hurting the other person’s feelings or getting into conflict, so may say, “That’s nice,” in a mildly questioning tone.

    How about the ultimate passive aggressive use of “nice” in current trend?  Somebody does something not to your liking, “Oh, nice, thanks,” said in the most derisive and snarky tone possible.

    Someone you don’t really like or want to deal with says or offers something to you, “Oh, isn’t that nice,” is the response with an underlying note of insincerity.

    There’s a “nice” syndrome. It’s symptoms include resentment, impatience, insincerity, irritability and avoidance.  It can lead to bitterness, anxiety, and an unpleasant growth of cynicism. Left unchecked it can result in abject apathy or take the opposing course and result in violence and destruction.

    Thanks for reading. Have a nice day.

    Learning to live under grace

    Romans 8 – New International Version (NIV)

    Life Through the Spirit

     1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you[a] free from the law of sin and death. . . .  5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. . . . 15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.[f] And by him we cry, “Abba,[g] Father.” 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

    One of the dangers of going through this recovery process without acceptance of God is wallowing in the shame, guilt, anger, resentments, fears etc. that have driven the abuses and addictions in our lives.  As I’ve attempted to control my recovery process and my life without the benefit of God’s grace, mercy, love and forgiveness, I have continued to think, talk, act, and live as though none of God’s concern, love, and care were actually available to me, which has prevented me from sharing that with others.

    The law of the Spirit is the law of love.  The fruits and gifts of the Spirit come from God’s love and are intended to share and show God’s love.  However, if I continue to think that I’m not in need of, worthy of, or capable of receiving God’s love, then I am living in the “flesh” and acting out in my abuses and addictions while absorbing the effects of the abuses and addictions of other people.

    I have had many lessons and those who have tried to teach me about God’s love, care, concern, and compassion for me, but it isn’t something I have actually learned.  Now I’m learning that I’m worthy, not because of anything other than the fact that I exist and am loved by God.  Much like a newborn infant is worthy of love just for being born.  The lie that I learned to live with through life experience was the opposite of that.

    As I am going through the steps and opening myself up to the fourth step inventory process, I’m learning to live under grace and to let go of the shame, guilt, blame, etc. that seem to be attached to the experiences and interactions of my life, both as a child and an adult.  I’m learning to take each of these thoughts, memories, emotions, fears, angers, resentments, and hurts to cry, “Abba Father,” knowing that the suffering I’ve experienced and caused others to experience, are known and shared by a compassionate God who is bringing me through this, not so I can be condemned to keep living in pain and suffering, but in order to bring me to a place where I can share in his glory – the glory of being loved.

     

    Facing the fear

    A 4th Step Resentment Prayer:

    “God, Please help me to be free of anger and to see that the world and its people have dominated me. Show me that the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, has the power to actually kill me. Help me to master my resentments by understanding that the people who wrong me were perhaps spiritually sick. Please help me show those I resent the same Tolerance, Pity and Patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend.** Help me to see that this is a sick man. Father, please show me how I can be helpful to him and save me from being angry. Lord, help me to avoid retaliation or argument. I know I can’t be helpful to all people, but at least show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. Thy will be done.”(66:2, 66:3, 66:4, 67:0, 67:1)

    I’m in week two of my recovery restart.  I’ve been able to focus on the steps, journalling in this blog, attending online meetings and I’ve started exercising.  Things have been improving.  However, since last night, I’ve been experiencing emotions and thoughts that tell me that I’m not really letting go and letting God.  I’ve been here before.

    It’s time for me to do my inventory…that fearless and searching look inside of myself and at my history.  The thing I’ve never, truly, been able to contemplate without allowing the fear to take over.  Avoidance, procrastination, excuses, and relapse are what usually come next.  With God’s help, not this time.  I want true recovery.  I’m tired of always getting to this point and then stalling out and giving into and holding onto hurt, anger, bitterness, and resentment.  I’m tired of always reaching this point and allowing the words, actions, and choices of other people dictate my feelings, thoughts, and choices, resulting in me having all kinds of excuses and reasons to not face the truths in my life.

    I find myself having to go through Steps 1-3 – Admit my powerlessness over my own emotions and how unmanageable my life is as a result. Believe that my HP, God, can restore me to sanity.  Make a decision to turn my will and my life over to God, and trust that I will be carried and cared for as I face the roots of the hurts, bitterness, anger, and resentments.

    So, for today and for now, I’m willing to let HP set the pace and choose what things I need to face and in what order I need to face them.

    “God, please help me to let go of the anger and recognize when I’m allowing people and circumstances to determine my course instead of You.  Help me to immediately see that a resentment needs to be entrusted to You and that the person who triggered the resentment is as much in need of Your healing and guidance as I am.  Give me the ability to express toward them the same compassion, patience, and tolerance that You have given me.  Save me from being angry and help me to let go of the desire to retaliate or argue, that I may see how you would have me respond. Thank You for your guidance, grace, and mercy.”