Faith

NaPoWriMo 2024: Grateful Haiku

“Grateful”
My heart is grateful
I’ve done the work of healing
Continuing growth

lem 04/05/2024









Ten years ago I finally ended an 18 year toxic and abusive relationship. I was subsequently diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder and PTSD. I was drowning in anxiety and depression. I felt broken beyond repair and never imagined I would ever independently support myself again. I hadn’t been employed since mid-2012.

Four years ago, as COVID shut down the world, I graduated from a Peer Certification program and became an Adult Mental Health Peer Wellness Specialist. I started working for the organization I currently work with as a part-time Mental Health Aid. I didn’t know if I could hold that job. I had a panic attack and went to the Urgent Walk-in Clinic for mental health support after I made a medication error at work.

A year later, I got my first professional Peer position, working with people classified as living with Severe and Persistent Mental Illness. I struggled to figure out how I could support them with my vastly different life experience…but I did it and I did it well.

I’ve transitioned into two different Peer roles since then. The most recent one was when I started working full-time in the program I had once been a client in. Since I began that position on October 30, I’ve been challenged to take on leadership responsibilities, making decisions and co-leading a team that includes professional counselors with Master’s degrees. Due to my mental health issues I only have a high school diploma. I never imagined I would ever be in a role like that.

Today I had my second interview for a Peer Supervisor position at the Urgent Walk-in Clinic I utilized four years ago. This afternoon I was offered the position.

With the help and support of my faith community, Bridge City Community Church , I have faced and fought through my trauma and seemingly never ending personal and family crises. Five of the last ten years, I have been a client of the organization I now work for. It’s been a long, hard, painful journey. The recovery process isn’t over and I will always have to manage symptoms. But now I have the tools and support to do it.

All of this to say, we can and do recover!

Advent 2023 Day 7

This is a song our Teaching Elder, who is leading worship, has asked us to learn for this weekend’s gathering.

As I was listening to it, I felt that this is what I have experienced as the Holy Spirit.

I don’t know how to articulate it other than to say it feels like having peace and comfort rising from inside of me and covering me from the outside at the same time. I gain a sense of companionship and that even if I’m walking through a painful, scary, challenging time, I’m not doing it alone.

Lyrics found on MelodicWorship.com

[Verse 1]
When I am lost inside my mind
Sing me the hope I cannot find.

When my despair has left me blind
Sing me the tune I’ve left behind

[Chorus]
Will you sing over me?
Will you sing over me?
Sing of the goodness I cannot see
Will you sing over me?

[Verse 2]
When all the grief my hands
When I’ve forgotten who I am

I can’t feel anything but shame
Sing out me back my name

[Chorus]
Will you sing over me?
Will you sing over me?
Sing of the goodness I cannot see
Will you sing over me?
Will you sing over me?

[Bridge]
When I sink down beneath the fear
The weight more than I bear
Keep singing low
I cannot hear
I’ll sing for you, I swear

[Chorus]
Will you sing over me?
Will you sing over me?
Sing of the goodness I cannot see
Will you sing over me?

Will you sing over me?
Will you sing over me?
Sing of the goodness I cannot see
Will you sing over me?

Will you sing over me?
Will you sing over me?
Will you sing over me?

Advent 2023 Days 4 & 5
Image colored in “Mandala Coloring Book Adults” app in the Google Play Store. Edited in Pic Collage.

I started this post yesterday but didn’t complete it due to medical reasons. So, today is a catch-up day

“Strive to be at peace.”

Work towards being a peaceful person. Someone who actively chooses actions that bring peace to the people and the world around you.

Not saying be a doormat or act nice in all situations. Not saying to allow bullying, harassment, and injustice to go unanswered. Simply saying to measure words and actions before speaking and doing to determine if they’re meant to bring peace and kindness.

Easier said than done. So, how?

Examine your internal motivations, thoughts, and emotions. Are you coming from a place of fear, hate, or judgment? If so, work on healing that part of yourself.

Image colored in “Mandala Coloring Book Adults” app in the Google Play Store. Edited in Pic Collage.

Advent 2023 Day 3 – First Sunday: Hope
Image colored in “Mandala Coloring Book Adults” app in the Google Play Store. Edited in Pic Collage.

Hope

Things feel dire and hopeless in the world right now.

In my country we are struggling with more and more people, including children, experiencing houselessness. Substance use disorder is affecting more and more people, both those experiencing addiction and the people around them. People experiencing mental health, emotional, and behavioral challenges aren’t able to access necessary services and treatment. These three conditions feed into each other.

War, genocide, and human rights violations are happening throughout the world.

Where does hope come from? Who can we place our hope with? Government, institutions, and politicians? Probably not. We can hope those things have the power, willingness, and support to make changes. But it’s the kind of fatalistic hope that’s filled with doubt and scorn. It doesn’t believe in itself.

What is hope that believes in itself, what can it do, and where does it come from?

Faith shows the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see. Through their faith, the people in days of old earned a good reputation.

Hebrews 11:1-2 (NLT)

Real hope is rooted in faith. Hope rooted in faith results in constructive action. Constructive action by people with hope rooted in faith may not change the whole world all at once, but it changes the world of the people connected to them one by one.

For example, almost 10 years ago, I was enmeshed in an emotionally toxic and abusive relationship with someone I’d been in since 1996. We’d had a child together who was almost 5. My mental health was deteriorating. I had lost, some would say given up, relationships with my two adult children. On our child’s fifth birthday, there was a major conflict between this person and my visibly pregnant middle child. It didn’t get physical but the tension in the air was ripe with the potential for it. My child and their partner moved out that night and I thought I’d lost them forever.

When I went to church the next day, I felt defeated and hopeless.

There was a meeting for the children’s ministry program after service and during the meeting, conflict arose. When it was my turn to speak, I simply stated that I had too much conflict at home to be able to cope with it at church and would no longer participate.

After the meeting, one woman approached me and offered to walk through whatever I was going through with me if I was willing to let her. I didn’t have anyone else to turn to, so I said, “yes.”

Today, I have good relationships with both of my adult children. I am single-parenting my almost 15-year-old child and have a good relationship with them. I’m working a full-time job for the first time in 15 years. I have friends I can connect with and count on. Best of all, the work I do redeems all the trauma I’ve experienced since childhood and enables me to walk alongside other people who are on their healing and recovery journey.

One woman, stepping out in faith, held hope for me until I could hold it for myself. Now, I hold it for others.

I have faith that things improve. I have faith that we can and do recover. That faith grounds my hope and enables me to take action to help myself and support others.

For those of us who have faith in God the Father, Son, and Spirit our actions should be ones of hope on behalf of others. I hope more of us do exactly that.

You don’t have to have faith in the same God as I do, or any god at all, to have faith that things can and do improve. That faith is the foundation of hope that your action can change the world of one person for the better. Hope will spread and action will expand in that way.

Advent 2023: Day 2
Image colored in “Mandala Coloring Book Adults” app in the Google Play Store. Edited in Pic Collage.

Advent

What is it? Essentially it’s a countdown to Christmas Day. It began as a Christian tradition. It’s a way to focus on the coming Christ child as the bringer of Hope, Peace, Joy, and Love. In a way it’s also a symbol what we’re waiting to see manifested at the second coming of the Christ. A more detailed explanation can be found here.

In modern times, the countdown has become more of a secular one, with a daily calendar of gifts ranging from small to big, from chocolate to jewelry and everything in between.

I’m a practicing Christian. I’m not affiliated with a particular denomination or “brand” of Christianity. I worship, learn, and wrestle with my faith in the context of a small, independent, community of fellow believers. Our Teaching Elder (more commonly thought of as a “pastor”) is Marc Schelske, author of “The Wisdom of Your Heart: Discovering the God-given Purpose and power of Your Emotions” and Journaling for Spiritual Growth, as well as a couple of others with more on the way. He focuses on what it means to worship, serve, and follow a God who characterizes “other centered, co-suffering love.”

I could go on and on (and likely will do so in the future) but I want to get back to Advent and why I’m choosing to focus on this right now.

I’ve been wrestling with my faith a bit, recently. In the face of rampant gun violence and theocratic politics in America, genocidal wars and terrorism, human trafficking and domestic violence, I’m struggling with the concepts and practice of Hope, Peace, Joy, and Love.

So, I’m taking some baby steps to reconnecting with those aspects of my faith. Thus my digital Advent calendar.

My process is to excerpt a snippet of scripture from The Revised Common Lectionary Advent readings on a daily basis and pair it with a piece of digital art I’ve colored. I didn’t create the images. I use a coloring app from the Google Play Store and the Pic Collage app to edit the image.

I hope you will connect in some way that’s helpful and positive for you.

Nanopoblano 2023 Day 12: From the archive – Jesus’ Lineage (#HerToo)
Photo by Ilkauri Scheer on Pexels.com

“Judah fathered Perez and Zerah by Tamar, Perez fathered Hezron, Hezron fathered Aram,

Salmon fathered Boaz by Rahab, Boaz fathered Obed by Ruth, Obed fathered Jesse, and Jesse fathered King David. Then David fathered Solomon by Uriah’s wife [Bathsheba],

and Jacob fathered Joseph the husband of Mary, who gave birth to Jesus who is called the Messiah.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭1:3, 5-6, 16‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

http://bible.com/72/mat.1.3,5-6,16.hcsb

There are five women listed in the history of Jesus’ lineage. Each of these women was, essentially powerless to survive or thrive without the influence and protection of men.

Tamar was widowed multiple times by brothers who were obligated to propagate the heir to the first brother she married and was widowed by. Her father-in-law, Judah, was scared his youngest son would die as well if he married her and reneged on the obligation. She took matters into her own hands and tricked Judah into fathering the heir(s) Perez and Zerah, twins.

In Rahab’s story, we learn she is a prostitute. It seems as if her profession is also her identity. Whether she was a temple prostitute or operated independently, it would seem that she was the provider for her family. Prostitutes are subject to the whims and desires of the men they serve and often “choose” that profession as a matter of survival, for one reason or another. It is common for those in the sex industry to be targets of verbal, emotional, and physical abusers.

Ruth was a foreigner, widowed by the son of an Israelite woman who was herself a widow. She opted to follow her mother-in-law from her own homeland to the homeland of her husband’s family, knowing that her status as a widow and that of a foreigner would cause her to, essentially live the rest of her life gleaning the fallen remnants of the harvests.

We don’t fully know her motivations, although we do know she was dedicated to Naomi. The depth of that kind of love and dedication she had toward Naomi, might suggest that her background had contained emotional, if not physical abuse. She chose not to return to the home of her youth and subject herself to the customary requirements of living there until remarriage was arranged.

When she went to glean grain, she was fortunate to wind up in the fields of a good man who placed her under his protection and warned her about going into the fields of others for her personal safety. Meaning, at the very least “street harassment” up to sexual assault.

Uriah’s wife, Bathsheba, was coveted and summoned by the King himself. She had no authority or power to say, “No,” or resist his advances. But what about the fact she was bathing in his eyesight? Doesn’t she bear some personal responsibility for the affair? If one doesn’t have the power to say, “No,” and have that “No” have constructive effect, then one doesn’t have the power to consent.

Mary was a pregnant teenager in a disgraced state where her fiancé had the legal right to “divorce” her because the child wasn’t his. In that society, in that culture, in that period of time, a woman in her situation would surely be subject to taunts and disrespect if not a target for unwanted physical advances. Yes, she was chosen by God and acquiesced to his will, regardless of the consequences. But the consequences would still have been experienced.

These five women were faithful and strong in the midst of cultural norms that said they weren’t important, that they were possessions to be treated however the men in the world around them saw fit, including sexual and relational violence. They were survivors.

Their stories are our stories. Their stories are part of Jesus’ story. He brings our stories into his story as well. He cared for widows, discoursed with foreign women, defended a woman “caught in adultery,” put himself in the hands and care of “fallen” women, and honored his mother who birthed him risking her life and reputation. In these things, he welcomes us into his life.

10/25/17

Renovating: April 2021 NaPoWriMo, Day four
Visit @SpaceLiminalBot on Twitter to see more liminal spaces.

Today’s prompt on NaPoWriMo.net was to choose a photo of a liminal space from @SpaceLiminalBot on Twitter and write about it.

Confession, I had no idea what liminal meant. When I looked it up I learned that it’s about the ambiguity of being in a transitional state. Neither here, nor there, but somehow occupying the borders of both spaces. Now that I know what it means, I can honestly say that it’s the story of my life.

From childhood forward
My mind active and yearning
Voracious, needy

Guidance lost too soon
Bottled grief. I was unmoored
‘Tween loss and anger

A runaway teen
Trauma and disappointment
New life comes forth

On the road again
No peace, no rest, nowhere home
Life saved from cruel death

Back where I started
Family ties bind and gag
Beginning again

In my element
Learning and aching to grow
Success! Feeling hope

Upward and onward
Fast forward to my limit
Falling and spinning

A life not taken
Ungrounded, always a risk
Begets a new life

I spent decades lost
Throwing away loved ones
Relationships burned

Scrabbling from the pit
Trapped in a cocoon of mind
My health overwhelmed

Hard recovery
Love’s faith in community
Investing in me

Beginning again
Not alone but supported
Still renovating

Rising from beneath: April 2021 NaPoWriMo, Day two

Today’s prompt is inspired by Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken.” It’s based on our own personal journeys. What might our experiences be if we took a different path?

No matter how many times I wanted or tried to veer from the path I was on, I wasn’t able to. Having travelled this far, I realize I don’t want to have taken a route other than the one I’ve been on.

Why?

People. My children and my grandchildren might not exist. Or, if they did, they wouldn’t be who they are. I wouldn’t have or know the people in my life, not the way they are now.

My life has always been challenging and full of stress. It’s made who I am. There’s more work to be done. I like who I’m becoming.

Rising from Beneath

I was told I could be anything I wanted…
But I wasn’t taught how and
I never met anyone who was.

I was told that if I had knowledge I would have power.
Helplessness was all I knew…
despite my accumulated information

I was told, “Aim high! Shoot for the stars.”
From my depths my aim was as high as other’s low.
I shot just to see the stars.

Years of climbing, fighting, struggling
Always landing back in the hole
Anchored by the trauma of my past.

Cycles of poverty and neglect,
Generations repeating the past.
Lord, let me be the last.

Breaking through, crawling out
Eyes blinded by daylight
Skin scorched by the sun.

Someone (not Churchill) admonished one and all,
“if you’re going through hell, keep going. It’s no place to stop.”
no longer energized, yet, here I am…still going.

I think it’s a good fight. It’s been a hard one.
Redemption, restoration, rebuilding
Self and relationships once lost.

Constantly feeling weak and lost
Continually infused with life’s breath,
Molded by refining love.

But wait, there’s more…so much more
Five decades to grow up.
Here’s hoping for another 3-5.

New battles rise up,
New fears to face.
The war against self goes on.

More to see, more to be.
My future resides with me.
My path lives in me.

Trying to care for me
In the five years between these two photos:
I stopped being employed;
I left a two decade toxic relationship;
I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, diabetes, bipolar disorder, and cPTSD;
My youngest child was identified as experiencing High Functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder;
Two grandchildren were born;
Relationships with my two adult children have been restored and improved; and I’m navigating the ongoing process of co-parenting with the ex.

I guess, my adult daughter could be right about vampire DNA 😂
02/24/2021 – In the four years since the above collage photo, I’ve become grandma to two more grandchildren (4 GRANDKIDS! 😲 🤯); Fought time and time again to stabilize from hypomania & depression; worked my @$$ off to get employment ready; completed two vocational programs simultaneously; and became employed during a pandemic…all in the midst of chronic turmoil and drama.

The smile hides depression and self-loathing…a severe lack of self-esteem and sense of futility. The hair and angle of the pic hide the double chin and side padding of obesity. You can’t see the fibromyalgia, hypothyroidism, type 2 diabetes, PTSD, Bipolar 2 Disorder, and Binge Eating Disorder. Yet, I look healthier and happier than ever before… according to an FB friend.

I wrote about being functionally depressed and nothing has really changed. I still pretty much only venture forth from my dwelling are occasional grocery shopping trips and to to work. My ADLs (Activities of daily living) are sporadic – personal hygiene is taken care of whenever I have to leave the apartment or I feel too disgusted by myself. Nutrition is not a frequent thing…I may or may not eat 2 Baked Lays single serve bags of chips for breakfast or dinner. One thing has improved – I’m not waking up gasping, choking and feeling like I may have had a heart attack because I’m using my C-pap machine to deal with the sleep apnea again.

Despite the depression, I did a thing and I took a risk. I applied for a Full-time position within the organization I am currently employed with. It’s a Peer Support position, which I completed my training, with flying colors, just as the COVID shutdown started last year. I just emailed the department that manages such things to ensure my application has been received. It has been received and submitted to the hiring manager.

I’m also reaching out or responding to opportunities to connect with people I’m connected to through my faith community. I’m participating in a book study of Rich Villodas, The Deeply Formed Life. I participate in our weekly Zoom service. Right now we’re discussing how it might look when we start meeting again, since some of our faith family isn’t able to engage and participate often unless it’s remotely. I submitted some ideas, which were favorably received.

Partially because of the diabetes, I’ve decided to join a couple of my friends on a menu planning journey next month. I’m in no way prepared. The logistics of my life are chaotic and kind of overwhelming. So, I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to make it a complete success. However, I reminded myself “progress not perfection.” That made my inner perfectionist cringe in horror.

To that end, I decided to focus on breakfast. Simple, quick, easy diabetic friendly breakfasts I can prep primarily in the microwave. The first recipe I found was Breakfast Burrito in a Jar on Diabetic Foodie. Since I don’t have jars, I followed the link to the next breakfast, Mexican Microwave Scramble.

Between the Depression, Hypothyroidism, and fibromyalgia, as well as circumstances in my life, I’m really fatigued & low energy. I’m not sure how I’m still functioning at all. I just know that no matter how close I come, giving up isn’t an option.

How are you doing? For real, sometime sharing helps.

From Darkness to Light

‘Therefore, my dear brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always excelling in the Lord’s work, knowing that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.’ 1 Corinthians 15:58

I don’t know about you, but, I suspect that, like me and many others I know, you might be tired. I mean mentally, emotionally, and physically fatigued. With everything going on in the world around us, that alone is enough to bring on the fatigue.

Just when things were on the verge of or starting to open up from the restrictions of the pandemic, there’s a spike cases and hospitalizations. Now things are tightening down again, as Oregon enters it’s 14th week of sheltering in and wearing masks. As a result of these pandemic related things, the national and local economies have been increasingly depressed with businesses closing (small business the most) and people losing their jobs, and the national unemployment at the highest it’s been since 1940. The protests for Black Lives Matter are entering their fourth week, having just passed Juneteenth, the celebration of the Emancipation of the slaves. Not to mention the victories and losses for our LGBTQ friends, family, and neighbors. Plus, the Presidential election cycle and the polarized politicization of both the pandemic and the BLM movement.

It’s overwhelming and absolutely exhausting. Then you add in whatever is happening for you and your loved ones, as well as how these national events are affecting you on an individual level.

So, there’s a lot of confusion. There’s a ton of conflicting information and even more conflicting opinions. The focus of the news and the media is sensationalized and focused on the painful and negative. There’s very little constructive dialogue and there seems to be a constant, false dichotomy of “us vs. them” everywhere you turn.What do we do with all of this? How do we get some relief, some clarity? How do we get some rest, other than avoiding the media and becoming turtles withdrawing into our shells? How do we decide where to place our focus?

The passage that the verse above comes from is Paul speaking about Jesus and all that he did for us to have life and to look forward to. He’s offering us a foundational reason to keep moving forward and to keep doing good in this world, even when what is good seems to have gone on vacation. Even though the issues and things around us may seem too big and too much for each of us as individuals to make a difference in, anything we do to bring the light of Jesus and God’s love into the lives of the people around us is not in vain.

‘Therefore, as we have opportunity, we must work for the good of all, especially for those who belong to the household of faith. ‘ Galatians 6:10

But, before we can do any of that, before we have anything to give, we have to allow ourselves a chance to rest, recharge, and fill up on that light and love ourselves.

‘“Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”’ Matthew 11:28-30

Now is the time for rest, recharge, and renewal, so that we can reenter the world’s arena and face the things around us with hope and love to share.

‘Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable — if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise — dwell on these things. Do what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you.’ Philippians 4:8-9

It is imperative that we look for the good in the midst of the bad. It’s there. Look for the stories of those who are giving of themselves, the stories of the peacemakers, the stories of those who are offering comfort, and even those who are offering happy and joyful things in the midst of the sorrow and the tragedy. Many may argue that now is not the time for levity and laughter. I would argue that now, more than ever, is the time for us to take a break and seek these things out.

‘A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones. ‘ Proverbs 17:22

If we don’t take a break from the darkness around us and seek the light, our soul dies bit by bit and our spirits become broken. That’s no way for anyone to live. That’s not the legacy that Jesus left us. He left us God’s Spirit to live in us, so that our spirits can live and thrive, and that so we can share that life with those around us.Take a break. Get some rest. Find a reason to smile and laugh. Then, take that out with you and reenter the fray so you can help others to have a break, take a rest, and have cause to laugh and smile.